Cooperative God | Chapter 2

[[ Looking for Chapter 1? Click here. ]]

Hesitantly, God slid the picture to the edge of the desk and picked it up, barely able to believe the shocking image that lay before him.

"This is a picture of a zebra fucking an antelope," He said.

"Oh, uh, sorry." Mike didn't waste a second snatching the picture from God's hand and placing it gently back into the manila folder from which it had came. "That's, uh… that's mine."

God rolled His eyes as Mike drew a second photograph from the same folder, placing it again on God's desk. "This is the picture I need you to see." Once again, God picked up and examined the picture.

"Oh… my… self," God exclaimed."Is this real? WHAT IN THE ALMIGHTY FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?"

"I don't know, sir, we tried to—"

"SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH," God retorted, and Mike did oblige, quickly shutting his whore mouth. "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANYTHING DONE AROUND HERE WHEN THIS BULLSHIT IS GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK?! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. I AM GOING DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW AND GIVING THEM A PIECE OF MY MIND."

"But sir, we—"

"I SAID SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH."

As God stood up to leave, He waved his hand, and Mike's mouth disappeared completely off of his face. God didn't even pause to shut the door as He cleared the entrance to His office, leaving Mike in a state of panicked disarray. He was still angry, beyond angry, but damn if that didn't feel good.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

When God arrived at Earth, He may have been even angrier than when He left. Ha! Just kidding. There is no possible way to be angrier than that.

Anyway.

As God made His way across the Garden of Eden, His burning rage prevented Him from being struck by the unparalleled beauty of the scenery. None of it mattered. He was here on business.

Finally, He caught view of what He'd come here for. They were His finest creations—or at least, so He'd thought. "Yo! Adam! Eve! Hey!"

"Oh!" Adam stuttered, caught off-guard by the surprise visit. "God! Hello! Um, what brings you here—"

"Cut the crap, Adam. You know exactly why I'm here."

"I really don't—"

"BULLSHIT. Just look at yourself! Look at that tacky fig leaf garment you've strewn across your putrid human skin! This is just like what I saw in that picture! Do you honestly expect Me to believe that you were just standing under a fig tree and some fig leaves just happened to drape themselves across your body? Huh?!"

"Hey!" Eve piped up. "What's wrong with our fig leaf garments?" God shot Eve a death glare that burned with such ferocity that she ducked behind Adam and proceeded to shut her whore mouth.

"It's not the garments I have a problem with," God continued, "it's the fact that you're wearing anything at all. You were both naked the last time I saw you. What the hell happened to that?"

"Well, uh," Adam began, "we noticed that we were naked, so we made the garments to… y'know… put a stop to that."

"And exactly WHO told you that were naked?! It wasn't me! This company is run on a need-to-know basis, Adam. We don't go around blabbing these things. Loose lips sink ships, after all."

"Um… what does that mean?"

"Oh, that's… that's a term that American propagandists will coin in about 6,000 years. Don't worry about it."

"What's Ameri—"

"MOVING ON," God nearly scolded Himself for getting off-topic. "THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE NAKED IS IF YOU DID THE ONE THING I ASKED YOU NOT TO DO. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERRING TO, YOU LITTLE BITCH?"

"Uh… I…"

"ANSWER ME."

"Well, um, the one thing that You told us not to do was…"

"GO ON."

"… Eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil?" By this time, Adam was leaning as far back as possible, cringing from the outburst that awaited him.

But his to his surprise, the outburst never came.

"Well," God began, "I guess it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure we can all just overlook this tiny little mishap and call it a day."

"… Really?"

"NO, NOT REALLY. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FURIOUS I AM? I GIVE YOU ONE RULE, JUST ONE TINY LIMITATION FOR LIVING IN MY GORGEOUS, PLENTIFUL GARDEN, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT! YOU HAD ONE JOB, ADAM! ONE JOB! LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR STUPID BITCH OF A WIFE, AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GARDEN! DON'T EVEN PACK UP YOUR THINGS! JUST GO!"

"Wait, but God, there were, you see, there were these extenuating circumstances, and—"

"OH. OH. EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. GO AHEAD, THEN. TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR LITTLE CIRCUMSTANCES. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS."

"Oh, well, I, uh, you see, there was this snake, and—"

"NOOOOOOOPE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. LISTEN, I'M GOING TO CLOSE MY EYES NOW, AND WHEN I COUNT TO TEN, I'M GOING TO OPEN THEM. IF YOU ARE STILL STANDING THERE WHEN I OPEN MY EYES, I WILL INCINERATE YOU WHER YOU STAND. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

"Well, yes, but I—"

"ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN." God opened His eyes. The humans were nowhere to be found. God almost smirked as He began to make His way back to Heaven. However, He wasn't done yet. Seeing an angel fly overhead, He called out to it: "You there! Angel! A word, if you will!"

The angel answered the Lord's beckon nigh instantaneously. "Yes Sir?"

"Listen, I want you to get a sword, and then I want you to light that sword on fire, and then I want you to fly down to the Garden of Eden and guard it. I want to be absolutely sure that the humans never return."

"Actually, Sir, I was just on my way to the Saharan Desert. There have been some issues with the distribution of the grains of sand, and they asked me to—"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GRAINS OF SHIT IN THE DESERT OF WHATEVER, I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE HUMANS OUT OF THE GARDEN, SO YOU BEST BE KEEPING THE HUMANS OUT OF THE FUCKING GARDEN!"

"Uh… yes Sir! Sorry Sir! Right away Sir!"

As the angel departed, the Creator of the Universe let out an exasperated sigh. He was having a bad week, and He didn't care who knew it.